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What Introverts Want You to Know About the Holidays

 

Credit: Huffingtonpost.com

Although you probably wouldn't know it, about half of the population is made of introverts. That's because the rowdy extroverts drown us out. Especially at this time of year.

It's not just that we're quieter, but that we react differently during the social events that tend to abound during the holidays. So I'm here to explain...starting with what introverts are NOT:

• Shy. Nope, let's get this one out of the way first. Shyness has to do with anxiety, which can happen to anyone. Introverts prefer smaller groups and an authentic reason to talk. We don't jabber, because we simply don't need to. At a party, we don't have to chat up anyone who comes along. But trust me, we have plenty to say!
• Aloof. I hear this one a lot, along with being rude. It's probably because extroverts tend to think out loud, while introverts' thought process is internal. We can't just turn on the "social animal" switch. Not happening. Which can be misinterpreted at the wild office party, when we aren't first--or last--in the Conga line.
• Anti-social. Au contraire! We love going out...but probably for not as long as our extrovert friends. Too much noise and activity make us shut down--it's exhausting. And we need to recharge by being alone, while the extroverts are even more energized by staying out.

Then comes the holiday season. Do we love this time of year? You bet! Does it take a bit of strategy? Yes, indeedy! To give you an idea what's going on in that introvert's noggin, here's a short list of suggestions gleaned from the internet directed at helping us maneuver our way to January 2:

• Develop a list of questions. Really. Extroverts can't imagine doing this, but coming prepared with some open-ended questions can keep you afloat. "How did you meet..." "What kind of work do you do?" which neatly leads to "How is your field changing?" You get the idea here.
• Breathe deeply in the bathroom. This tiny room can buy you five minutes of solitude. You may not need to pee, but you do need to use the bathroom.
• How about those books/paintings/whatever?  Yes, that book on neo-astrophysical psychology or the print of Starry Night can be especially fascinating when they allow you to turn your back for a moment to study them. (This move, by the way, is the tell-tale sign of a Classic Introvert.)
• Arrive early! This seems counter-intuitive, but as an early bird, you can be helpful and greet others before things get loud and cliques have formed. Bonus: you can leave early, too, when you start to feel the strain.
• Find an extrovert. This one's a piece of cake. Ask a a question and then just listen. Extroverts love to talk when someone is attentive...which happens to be something introverts do pretty well.
• Know your limits. Besides alcohol, of course, which only helps so much. No, I'm talking about how many events you know you can handle and how much downtime you need between them. Everyone is different, so just be your content introvert self and all will be well.

There it is in a nutshell. If you want to learn more, hop to your bookstore or library and get a copy of  Susan Cain's terrific  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. And know that we introverts love the extroverts in our lives. Invite us! Drag us along! We enjoy your energy and outward enthusiasm! It's just that we'll need to go home and sit quietly afterward while you continue on.

 

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Three Reasons to Color

 

Surely you've heard by now. Adult coloring books are the #1 and #2 on Amazon.com. More coloring books than cook books! What's up?

We all remember breaking out our crayons for those dull "time-fillers" in grade school. And you, like me, probably received endless coloring books for every occasion: tonsillectomy, Easter basket, road trips... I was never the biggest fan of coloring. Coloring book= BORING. Why would I spend my time--and precious sharp crayons--on some picture that another person had already drawn? Nonsense.

My mother, however, was all over it. She'd say, "Let's color!" I'd groan, drag out crayons in various states of decay (no crayon sharpeners back then) and we'd color. Rather, she would color--and she was amazing. You could watch her face soften as she focused, outlining with extra pressure, filling in the spaces lightly, always the same direction. I couldn't believe it. My mother was an artist! Me, I had other places to be. What a yawn.

Fast forward fifty years...guess what? Adults are coloring!! Gone are the cheap newsprint books, here are the intricate acid-resistant papers. Tiny spaces, ready to be filled. Crayons? Probably not. Gel pens or pencils are a better bet, for finer control. And be sure to set aside lots of time.

But, what a benefit! Those boring generic spaces of yesteryear are now upscale--and therapeutic. If you haven't been aware of this current trend, here are three reasons to jump in today:

1. It's Proven!  Carl Jung used coloring as a technique to induce relaxation. He did this through "mandalas": Circular designs with concentric shapes similar to the rose windows of Gothic churches. Origin: India.

2. It Makes You Creative!  When you're busy coloring, your brain is free to think of new and different things. Call it Freud, call it whatever, but ideas can percolate while you are making beautiful designs. 

3. It's Fun and Authentic!  It's just you and the page. By now, you have nothing to prove, no one to impress. You can color as you wish. Purple chickens? Orange houses? Go for it! It's both powerful and rebellious at the same time. You get to be in charge. Tomorrow, you may change your mind. That's terrific, too.

I recently ordered adult coloring books for my 86 year-old mother and my 99 year-old mother-in-law. They each needed various amounts of coaching--but once they started coloring, I couldn't have stopped them for anything. In fact, all the adults around them started to color.

Maybe I'm the only one to be surprised at the power of coloring. But I've become a total convert. I'm on the waiting list for those Amazon best-sellers. Already have my coloring tools ready. What's not to love?

 

 

 

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Hotel Secrets: A Front Desk Agent Tells Us about "Hospitality" and How to Work the System

Perhaps you, like me, consider yourself to be a smart traveler. Even sophisticated in terms of getting places and finding a place to sleep. For over a decade, I've maintained "elite" status with my preferred hotel chain. I thought I was Pretty Hot Stuff when it came to manipulating the hotel staff.

Until I read Heads in Beds: A Reckless Memoir of Hotels, Hustles, and So-Called Hospitality by Jacob Tomsky.

Tomsky was a Front Desk Agent (FDA) for a long time, in some big cities, including The Big Apple.  Finally, he reached the burn-out phase, and decided to let us all in on the secrets of what goes on under the pretense of providing us with "customer service" and "hospitality." 

Read on...

His first observation:  "Hotels are methadone clinics for the travel addicted."  This struck a deep, and rather embarrassing, chord in me, someone who has been known to do at least one "mattress run" each year, in order to maintain my status. (A mattress run is when you book a room for the sole purpose of getting points to keep your status. Usually done at local or inexpensive properties in the hotel chain.)

Here's what Tomsky promises upfront:  "Due to the fact that I just don't care anymore, I will offer easy and, up till now, never publicized tips and tricks. Want a late checkout? Want an upgrade? Guess what! There are simple ways (and most of them are legal ways!) to get what you need from a hotel without any hassle whatsoever. It's all in the details...Need to cancel the day of arrival with no penalty? No problem. Maybe you just want to be treated with care and respect? I understand, dear guest...okay, now put some money into it...very good...thank you. Now, that's a proper hospitality business transaction."

Yes, steadfast readers, cold hard cash can determine many, many things when it comes to how well you are treated during your hotel stay. A $20 bill can rock your world.

I learned so much from this book! Did you know you can watch a movie and then have it removed from your folio?  Feeling peckish? Raid that mini-bar, then deny you ever opened it. In fact, even if you don't touch the mini-bar, an FDA can--and will--help him/herself to those macadamia nuts.

Now. About those bellmen. Again, perhaps you, like me, think they are a nuisance. To a degree, Tomsky agrees: "People drag their luggage through their own house, down the driveway, into their car, up to the airline desk, off the luggage carousel, into the back of a taxi, through the revolving doors, and now, now some guy with a crew cut wants to help? You've taken it twenty-five hundred miles, and this dude wearing gloves wants to jump in for the last twenty feet and get tipped for it?" Yep, that pretty much captures my feelings and opinion.

On the other hand, bellmen are the symbol of service for a high-end hotel. Please be aware: They see and know everything. They have a special relationship with the FDA. For a few dollars on your way in, they can be your best friend, even if you decline assistance with your bags.  "It's okay. Just be polite about it. I even once saw a guest tell a bellman, 'No worries, but thank you,' and still give him two dollars, just for not helping." Guess how that guest got treated?  "It was almost more effective than if he had taken the help and dropped a twenty in the room."

Call of the Cookbook

What is it about cookbooks?  I can't resist them.  In fact, I lust after them.  No trip to Costco is complete without inspecting the cookbooks.  Every Christmas, I treat myself to the one that 's most intriguing.  When I visit new places, and have enjoyed the food--then again, when have I not?--I try to find a cookbook that will help me recreate the tastes and memories back in my own kitchen.

To my mind, they're full of delicious promise.   I imagine finding the perfect meal, and then making it into the perfect dinner party.  Or, just enjoying it with an appreciative guest.  Add wine, and voila!  The evening is remembered by all.  And it all begins with a cookbook.

I know that for the most part, I'll never make more than a few recipes from any given cookbook (exceptions are listed below) but a wise chef friend once reassured me:  "If you find one great recipe that you can make over and over, it's worth the price."  That's rationalization I can live with!

Moving from Chicago, years ago, I had a garage sale that included half my cookbook collection.  I was in Scale-Down Mode.  You know, moving to a different part of the country, taking a new job, shedding the past.  And that included my cookbooks.  I must have been in a moment of delirium.  Once settled in Seattle, I quickly recognized the error; I'd go to look for a favorite recipe and, with a sinking heart, realize that I had sold the cookbook it was in.  Probably for 25 cents.  There was nothing to do but rebuild.

So I did.  As I write this, a quick count shows I've managed to accumulate 84 cookbooks.  A satisfying comeback, no?  Some general, some focused.  After all, you never know when you'll be asked to whip up several catfish courses, five kinds of biscotti, or  an authentic English Tea.  This number does not include the specialty magazines I've saved (Gourmet's Paris and Mexico editions) nor the pages and pages of recipes that I've torn out of magazines.  Yet, just the other day I was explaining my need to have resources at hand, and was asked, "Do you have any Bobby Flay cookbooks?"  My answer:  No.  See my point?  There's still room to grow...

I know that I could find anything on the Internet.  I'm a huge fan of Epicurious, and often search there for the exact recipe I need, or to update an old favorite.  My friend Karen can't believe I even still keep cookbooks:  "I cleared mine out.  Now I use the Internet, and have never looked back."  Makes sense, really.  Why take up space with a bunch of books, especially when I only use one or two page out of each?  But I can't do it.

My fellow foodie colleague, Martha, would defend my collection.  I once sent her the Seattle Junior League cookbook, Celebrate the Rain.  When she wrote to thank me, she said, "I love to sit on Saturdays and read cookbooks."  Me, too, Martha!  There is just something about the feel of the cookbook, looking at the pages, turning them, and imagining  how the food might taste, what to serve with it, and just who might want to share.  I can't duplicate this experience online.

So, you ask, where do I look first when I need to something, either reliable or new?  Here are my top five favorites...subject to change, of course!
1.  How to Cook Everything, by Mark Bittman.  The title says it all.  "The Minimalist" writer for The New York Times knows more than anyone about cooking, and describes it with enthusiasm.  I wish he'd invite me to one of his dinner parties.
2.  Eet Smakelijk, Junior Welfare League of Holland, Michigan.  The title is Dutch for "Eat well and with taste."  This one is simply a sentimental favorite.  It's ancient (First printing was in 1964) and full of basic homestyle recipes.  I got it during the first year I was married, long ago, and living in Holland, Michigan.  The marriage didn't last, but most of the recipes are still viable.  Just last week, I used it to make peach pie.  There was a note on the margin, written in 1975:  "Good--leave out the nutmeg."   So I did...and it was just as good as in 1975.
3.  The Silver Palate Cookbook, by Sheila Lukins and Julie Rosso.  For the longest time, I swore that if I could only keep one cookbook, this would be it.  It never, never lets me down.  The Chicken Marbella is divine--who knew that a chicken dish with green olives and prunes could bring people to their knees?
4.  Anything by Julia Child.  I have five of her cookbooks. She will always be The Goddess.  Of French cooking, of course, but also of quality, fresh ingredients, and mindful attention to the process.  Preparation is part of the fun...probably because wine is usually involved. And because Julia makes me laugh.
5.  Authentic Mexican, by Rick Bayless and Deanne Groen Bayless.  Who doesn't love Mexican food?  It a natural mood-enhancer.  And Chicagoans Rick and Deanne know it best.  Their mission:  To make us enjoy the complexities of real Mexican food.  One bite of Queso Fundido, and you're searching for your local mercado for ingredients.

Now, it's your turn.   What makes you want to turn on the stove or oven?  What makes you want to invite friends over?  And where do you turn first when you need inspiration or help?

Bon Appetit!

 

 

 

The Timid Traveler

Introducing:  The Timid Traveler...

 

As you read this, I will be in Europe. First a few days by myself in Paris, then a train ride to Brussels, where I will join my favorite travel company for a jaunt through Belgium and the Netherlands.  Some people, especially my mother, can’t believe that I am willing to travel alone.  They think I’m half-brave, half-crazy.  Of course, my mother is convinced that danger lurks at every turn.

 

It amuses me that they think I’m bold.  Solo travel is common these days; in fact, some of my friends prefer it.  I’m inspired by Linda Ellerbee, who travels alone; her partner feels that he’s done his share, and sends her off with a kiss.  She’s not ready to stop quite yet, so she sets out, according to her whim.  Her book, Take Big Bites: Adventures Around the World and Across the Table, is one of my favorites; she writes of her independent travels, and the food from each destination. Now, she’s my role model for bold! 

 

How I wish I could be like Ellerbee!  Sigh.  Here’s my confession:  I am a Timid Traveler.  There are quite a few of us out there.  Make no mistake, we Timid Travelers are not stupid, cheap, or willing to compromise our enthusiasm for exploring the world.  We simply approach travel in a different way.   We like to be secure at the outset.

 

We come to be Timid Travelers by different paths.  I happen to be widowed, without a simpatico companion.  Others might be likewise single, whatever the circumstances, and learning to navigate solo.  Some have medical or physical restrictions.  Some are low-key people. Some are simply new to travel.  And, yes, some are simply shy.

 

But we all have three things in common:  First, we refuse to stay home.  Second, we have a passion for experience, exploration, and learning.   Third, you won’t ever, ever find us jumping up to lead a Conga Line.

 

Generally, we Timid Travelers like to plan a little more on the front end. It’s part of the fun, and gives us confidence.  We like to know how to get to our hotel, the best way to get around, when the museums open, and a couple of places to find food.  Want to make us twitchy?  Suggest we arrive in a new city without a reservation.

 

Speaking for myself, once I have a few basics under my belt, I relax.  Now, I'm feeling secure, and I’m able to deviate from previous plans, and explore.  If this Timid Traveler has shelter, food, and transportation figured out…stand back!

 

On one of my previous trips, someone remarked that I explored like a dog:  setting out in small circles, expanding my range, and once I knew my way back “home,” I was free to wander.  I’d never thought that being compared to a dog would be a good thing, but this is an accurate description of my travel pattern.  As a single traveler, it has served me well.  I’ve used my Timid Traveler Techniques in London, Florence, Rome, and Istanbul.   I don’t anticipate changing without good reason.

 

There are guides and articles for other travel styles. Upscale, budget, adventure, eco, family: all have niches and devotees.  But no one speaks for the Timid Traveler.  Until now.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

Writer's Weekend: Pitch and Platform

So, I'm just back from the Pacific Northwest Writers Association 54th Annual Conference.  For three days,  I sat in frigid meeting rooms, on straight-back chairs, hanging on every word, waiting for the single moment of enlightenment that would gain me entry into the "real" world of writing.

In other words, I was hoping for some magical shortcut.  But no, it was pretty much the same old mantra:  Write every day.  No matter what.  Then rewrite.  And rewrite again.  While you continue to write every day.

I left the conference early, because I was on overload.  I couldn't take it anymore. Except for a session intended for the Romance genre on "Writing Sex Scenes,"  and another for the Fantasy genre on "World Building," there were no workshops on how to write.  It was all about what to do after you've written.

Agents and editors gave fascinating talks, cheerfully delivering the most depressing news--you wonder how anyone in this business gets out of bed in the morning:

• Agents get 10,000-30,000 queries a year.
• Rejection rates run 98 percent.
• The publishing industry is practically on life support.
• If you aren't uniquely qualified to write your book, don't even pick up a pen.

It turns out that what really matters--once you have written the most incredible, dazzling piece of literature since the Bible or Harry Potter--is whether or not you have the Perfect Pitch (no, not the musical or sports kind) and if you have already built a Platform. 

Your pitch is the 3-5 sentence summary that will capture the imagination of anyone who hears it, and result in immediate curiosity and enthusiasm for your subject.  Your goal:  "Omigod!  That's fantastic!  Here, sign this lucrative contract right now!" It's the equivalent of what we read on a book's back cover, the words that make us choose the book, or put it back on the shelf.   This pitch will be what propels the book forward, from author to agent to editor to marketer to bookstore to reader.  Simple, huh?

Ah, but platform, that's the true challenge. Platform is the following you've established, the credibility in the subject that you are renowned for, the expertise you bring that makes you the only logical person on the planet who can possibly address this topic.  Building platform is tedious; it takes time and effort.  There were many suggestions and tricks provided by the 22 agents.  There is no wiggle room here, or negotiation.  You must have platform.  Period. Got a website?  How many hits a day?  Naturally, you've been blogging since birth.  How many subscribers?  Where do you speak on this topic?  And hurry, because someone else is probably already way ahead of you. In fact, as you sit in this workshop, you are losing ground.

About 700 writers staggered from one meeting room to the next.  We were like zombies, which, by the way, is the newest craze to follow the current vampire-mania.  No matter what the genre (Who knew there were niches for cozy mystery, urban fantasy,  narrative chicklit, paranormal thriller romance?  Certainly not me, with the boring "non-fiction" on my name tag.) the message was the same: write because you love to write, not because you envision your book someday starring Meryl Streep or Johnny Depp in the film version.  And yet, so was the crazy universal hope the same:  that what we have written will find its way, and somehow, make a difference.

How will we know when we are successful?  One agent summed it up in seven words:

"It's good to see you again, Oprah."