BoomerBlix

Another Boyfriend? No, Thank You.

 

Credit: ABSFreePic.com

"Don't you miss having a boyfriend?" asked Ileana, as we worked together to get Ailsa cleaned up for the day. I was in Los Angeles, helping care for my 100 year-old mother-in-law. Ileana is the daytime caregiver. My Latina friend from El Salvador married very young. She was also a widow within a few years, with two small children to raise. Happily, she met Carlos. They married, had two children, and today she can't imagine life without a husband.

No, I tell her. Done. And done.

Well, except for that damn single-supplement travel thing. That's when a partner comes in handy, at least financial-wise. (I wrote about it here.) Even then, I've seen--and been part of--too many unpleasant vacation disagreements to be inspired to seek someone just so I can save 25%. (My personal worst: When I was dating a chef and we went to New Orleans. He planned every single bite ahead of time. We even rented a car so we could find some obscure restaurant outside the city. I was the pilot, he was the navigator. After hours of driving around in circles, somewhere in rural Louisiana--this was in pre-GPS days--I finally pulled off the road and started to bawl. "Fergodsake, I just want a hamburger!" He wouldn't listen, insisting we continue...he had read about some idiotic menu item. I got mad. Then he got mad. Never did find the place...and I was glad.)

As you may know, I am both divorced and widowed. After each of these events, I dated. It's not easy to find someone that you like enough to go out with a second time, let alone...well, you know. But I persisted and have enough funny stories to liven up any party. Perhaps you remember my 2009 Online Dating series, back when I had the energy to construct a profile and then sign in every day to see if there were any responses. I lasted four weeks. There was the psychiatrist who had married a woman he barely knew because she wanted a baby and he said to himself, "Hey, I like babies!" You won't be surprised to learn they quickly divorced. When we met, he was living in a tiny apartment, paying a buttload of child support, and had taken up the fine hobby of ritual drumming. There was the real estate investor whose only request was that I wear something to "show off cleavage" when we met. (We didn't.) I could go on, but you get the idea here.

Before I left Florida, I ended an on-and-off-again relationship that was begging to be put out of its misery. When it was over, I brushed off my hands, wiped my brow, and said, "Never again." I was reminded of a discussion from long ago, when I worked in Intensive Care. A co-worker and I were discussing our love lives, or lack thereof. "They're all damaged after forty," she declared, referring to the pool of single men. Of course, I didn't want to believe her. I was 42. Surely that couldn't be true! In hindsight, I think she wasn't too far off. The good ones really are taken.

A couple of years ago, I wrote "A Nurse or a Purse: Why Boomer Women Should Stay Single...Or Should Really, Really Think About It." It has been my most popular Blix; when I check my Google Analytics, someone is still reading it several times a week. Men tend to become more dependent as they grow older. Women? After a lifetime of taking care of others, we want to be unfettered.  It's not that we're cynics, it's that we're realistic.

Every day now, I read on Facebook about happy couples married nearly fifty years. Fifty! They are smiling, traveling, swooning over their grandchildren and downsized condos. This is amazing and awesome--I enjoy hitting the "Like" or "Love" icon to cheer them on. They chose wisely from the get-go, making it all look easy. I grin at the photos and the mushy notes they post. Just because it didn't happen for me doesn't mean I'm not thrilled for others. In fact, they make the world a better place.

All the same, I like my life, too. 

 

 

 

 

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The ESSENTIAL Gift-Giving Guide for Men

 

Credit: Express.co.uk

Men: Listen up! I am here to help you impress the woman in your life; add zip to your relationship; and show her that you really do pay attention to what she likes. (This is an update of an earlier--and wildly popular--Blix. It bears repeating.)

With the holiday season in full swing, it's time to think about the perfect gift for the woman you love. I feel safe posting this Blix with two weeks before Christmas (sorry, Hannukah friends...) because many of you are just realizing that you're going to have to shop. Now, and again in two months, for Valentine's Day. Let's get going, then!

1. Fake gems. Think Cubic Zirconia here. Or any other sparkly-glass that you are hoping to pass off as the real thing. Yes, I know that the diamond market is rigged and that the values are false. And I know how much a real gemstone costs. I also know the claim that the imposters look as good as the real thing. But...they aren't. It's more than a little dishonest--and insulting--to trick the woman you love. The lesson here: Go big or go home.

That said, it is fine to give fun jewelry. Statement necklaces, bangle bracelets, exotic earrings. Women like to receive these. For one thing, it shows that you spent time choosing something special. The other thing: she knows those pearls/rubies/emeralds/sapphires are not genuine. And she will be totally okay with that, when you say, "I saw this and thought you would look beautiful...."

2. Utensils and appliances. This is very dark territory, and if you value your relationship--and possibly your life--you won't ever let the thought of anything that could be interpreted as "this will make your chores easier" cross your mind. To drive this point home, let me give an example from a past marriage. Christmas morning, 1975: a ketchup pump. I can still vividly remember the moment of staring at it, wondering who in his right mind would think this was a good idea. Let's just say it wasn't a "merry" day. (Years later, I told this story to a man I was dating. He thought it was so humorous, that he went out and got me a ketchup pump as a gag gift. It was not funny then, either.) Another time, the same former husband got me a calculator for Mother's Day. No need to elaborate. You get the idea.

Some of you will say that if a woman loves to cook, that a gadget or appliance is swell. I will say back to you that you can buy those things together, the next time you're browsing at Williams-Sonoma. There is no reason to saddle her with another device on a special day. There are zillions of special, loving, thoughtful gifts to show your love. A chef's knife is not one of them. Even. If. She. Begs. I will concede to a terrific cook book...if you plan to make meals together from it.

3. ANYTHING that has to do with self-improvement. Sure, she's been depressed about gaining weight. Yes, she has hinted that she might to try Botox. Do not--repeat, do not!--decide to surprise her with a membership to Weight Watchers, the latest exercise video, or a gift certificate to a plastic surgeon. Doing so says that you agree...she could use a little help. Even if she asks outright, treat this the same way as the ketchup pump: The money comes from some other fund. I'm pretty sure that most women have had the awkward experience of opening a gift to find something that, while well-intended, feels a little hurtful. ("Gosh. A new digital bathroom scale. Can't wait to try it...") We females tend to dwell on our imperfections. What we're wanting is our man to focus on the good bits.

In the same vein, guys, try to avoid the "practical" stuff. Flannel robes, sweat pants, baggy pajamas--anything that suggests that she doesn't really need to bother to glam up anymore. That sends a message, too. She's not the Victoria's Secret type? Tuck your fantasies away. If that's the case, a gift from VS would be another kind of ouch. Just think it through, and match her style, only upgraded. Repeat: upgraded. Because she would never spend that amount on herself. But you are telling her she is sooooooooo worth it.

Feeling more confident now? Ready to dazzle the woman who makes you glad to be alive? Let her know that you are glad she chose you? (Because she did...)

You're welcome!

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Home Alone at the Holidays

What Introverts Want You to Know About the Holidays

 

Credit: Huffingtonpost.com

Although you probably wouldn't know it, about half of the population is made of introverts. That's because the rowdy extroverts drown us out. Especially at this time of year.

It's not just that we're quieter, but that we react differently during the social events that tend to abound during the holidays. So I'm here to explain...starting with what introverts are NOT:

• Shy. Nope, let's get this one out of the way first. Shyness has to do with anxiety, which can happen to anyone. Introverts prefer smaller groups and an authentic reason to talk. We don't jabber, because we simply don't need to. At a party, we don't have to chat up anyone who comes along. But trust me, we have plenty to say!
• Aloof. I hear this one a lot, along with being rude. It's probably because extroverts tend to think out loud, while introverts' thought process is internal. We can't just turn on the "social animal" switch. Not happening. Which can be misinterpreted at the wild office party, when we aren't first--or last--in the Conga line.
• Anti-social. Au contraire! We love going out...but probably for not as long as our extrovert friends. Too much noise and activity make us shut down--it's exhausting. And we need to recharge by being alone, while the extroverts are even more energized by staying out.

Then comes the holiday season. Do we love this time of year? You bet! Does it take a bit of strategy? Yes, indeedy! To give you an idea what's going on in that introvert's noggin, here's a short list of suggestions gleaned from the internet directed at helping us maneuver our way to January 2:

• Develop a list of questions. Really. Extroverts can't imagine doing this, but coming prepared with some open-ended questions can keep you afloat. "How did you meet..." "What kind of work do you do?" which neatly leads to "How is your field changing?" You get the idea here.
• Breathe deeply in the bathroom. This tiny room can buy you five minutes of solitude. You may not need to pee, but you do need to use the bathroom.
• How about those books/paintings/whatever?  Yes, that book on neo-astrophysical psychology or the print of Starry Night can be especially fascinating when they allow you to turn your back for a moment to study them. (This move, by the way, is the tell-tale sign of a Classic Introvert.)
• Arrive early! This seems counter-intuitive, but as an early bird, you can be helpful and greet others before things get loud and cliques have formed. Bonus: you can leave early, too, when you start to feel the strain.
• Find an extrovert. This one's a piece of cake. Ask a a question and then just listen. Extroverts love to talk when someone is attentive...which happens to be something introverts do pretty well.
• Know your limits. Besides alcohol, of course, which only helps so much. No, I'm talking about how many events you know you can handle and how much downtime you need between them. Everyone is different, so just be your content introvert self and all will be well.

There it is in a nutshell. If you want to learn more, hop to your bookstore or library and get a copy of  Susan Cain's terrific  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. And know that we introverts love the extroverts in our lives. Invite us! Drag us along! We enjoy your energy and outward enthusiasm! It's just that we'll need to go home and sit quietly afterward while you continue on.

 

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The Things That No One Ever Says To Married People

Singles vs. Marrieds. I've written about it many times. So has the rest of the world...it's daily fodder for the Huffington Post. Seems there's always a new study showing who's happier, healthier, richer, prettier, stronger. Meanwhile, the single population grows:

• Last year, the number of single adults in America topped the marrieds--50.2% are now singles, compared to 22% in 1950.
• Pew Research did a survey with adults and found that only 46% of them really wanted to get married; 25% did not...and the jury was still out for the other 29%.
• Even more telling: Once people have been married, 46% chose to remain single after divorce.

What prompts today's Blix is the perplexing fact that when married people say they're happy, others believe them. When singles say they're happy, others think the singles are putting on a good front--that it's impossible to live alone and be content. In fact, three Israeli researchers found that people became angry at singles who chose to remain unmarried; these singles were judged more harshly than other singles who said they were looking for a romantic relationship.  

Bella DePaulo, PhD, studies single people and the stigma of being unmarried. She maintains married people enjoy privileges, much like being white or male. Just being married grants certain status and rewards. To verify her belief, she and two colleagues developed a list of statements to determine if you're among the "privileged." Take a few minutes to read these ten statements and respond "yes" or "no." (Singletons: Insert "single" for "married" and your favorite person for "spouse.")

1. I can count on finding huge numbers of movies, TV shows, and books featuring characters desperately seeking to join my marital status and being celebrated when they succeed.
2. I do not find lists of reasons why I am still married on websites and in magazines.
3. I do not receive unsolicited advice about what I did wrong that led me to get married, or what “issues” I have that left me in the sorry state of matrimony.
4. I enjoy the presumption of maturity: People assume that because I am married, I’m more mature than I would be if I were single. If I act in an immature way, people don't assume it's because I'm married.
5. I can give large sums of money or estate property to someone important to me (my spouse) without paying taxes.
6. If I decide to raise kids, no one will presume that because I'm married, my family is at-risk or dysfunctional. Or that my kids will become juvenile delinquents.
7. I can be the star of expensive celebrations of my marital status and I won’t be called selfish or self-centered.
8. I can assume that an important person in my life (my spouse) will be included in social invitations, such as the "plus one" at weddings.
9. I often pay less for insurance simply because I am married.
10. If I make the argument that single people are privileged in particular ways, no one will say I am doing so because I am bitter.

For the full list of 32 questions, click here to see Dr. DePaulo's full blog post. She covers Social Security benefits, faulty research, and my pet peeve, the single supplement. (The extra twist of the knife for traveling alone...) 

No one is looking to revolt against marriage. We're just asking that our "stereotypes" be put on the same level as the those of married folks. And my special plea: Quit making me pay more to go places by myself!

 

 

 

 

 

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The Challenge of Cooking for One

 

 

Saucepan for One--Wayfair.com

We recently talked about eating alone. Today I'm taking the topic back a step...the challenge of cooking for one. And I don't mean making a pot of chili on Sunday and living off it all week. All single people do that. Five days later, we can't face one more kidney bean. Some of us even toss out the last bowl or two. Which I do.

No, I'm thinking of regular meals, the kind you have when there are others around to help consume everything. I'm thinking of the happy variety that happens when you can make a multi-course dinner knowing there won't be leftovers building up in the refrigerator because you didn't calculate correctly--or you still cook as if the entire family were around, including two teenage boys. Which I do.

A batch of brownies? An apple pie? Oatmeal cookies? Unless you're hauling them to work the next day, or have hungry neighbors, there is simply too much to keep before they go stale. Not to mention the temptation factor.

Trust me, I'm all for feeding myself well, and I enjoy cooking. Some would say that I'm pretty good at it. So it's not a lack of motivation that trips me up. It's the "mini-ness" of the effort.  

There are two aspects to any food preparation: First the shopping and then the cooking. 

The shopping: Say I want to make a something that calls for a fresh herb. I can hardly bop into the produce department and ask for six basil leaves. No, I have to buy one of those pricey little plastic boxes with forty basil leaves. I can--and will--try to use more of them, but inevitably, most will end up sadly shriveled. I'll feel guilty  and will avoid recipes requiring basil for a long time. Cheese gets moldy. A dozen eggs last over a month.

I have a refrigerator door full of specialty items, purchased for a recipe.  Fish sauce, jalapenos, capers. Three kinds of mustard. Four kinds of vinegar. Both salted and unsalted butter. I'm not complaining, because it's fun to make all kinds of foods. I'm just saying that that "condiment creep" happens over time.  In my cupboard, it's the same story with spices. Even if I buy the smallest bag, flour becomes rancid. Cornmeal gets those tiny bugs. 

One fish filet. Two slices of pancetta. Three ounces of spaghetti. Mini-ness, indeed.

Now comes the preparation. Allow me to share a recipe--with my comments in italics-- from "serves ONE: Simple Meals to Savor When You're on Your Own" by Toni Lydecker. Ms. Lydecker means well, and does her best to downsize foods for the solo cook. But I am never going to go to the bother of making a single serving of ratatouille or one salmon croquette.

Spicy Rice Noodles with Pork  (Sounds nice, huh? I agree!)

2 ounces dried rice noodles (sticks) or cellophane noodles (These come in 8 ounce packages.)
1 Tablespoon black bean and garlic sauce (See my remark about about "condiment creep.")
2 teaspoons soy sauce (This is okay...soy sauce is a standard.)
3 ounces boneless thin-cut pork chop (One single pork chop! Now the freezer starts to build up with extra  bits of meat that will need to be used before freezer burn sets in.)
1/2 medium carrot (Where can I buy one carrot?)
1/2 celery rib (You can see where this is going, right?)
1 scallion (And the other four that came with it? What happens to them?)
2 teaspoons peanut or vegetable oil (Takes a long time to use up oil, 2 teaspoons at a time.)
2 teaspoons grated ginger root (Great! Another thing to buy and then watch dry up.)
Crushed red pepper, to taste (Like soy sauce, I actually have this on hand.)

I won't continue with the directions, which instruct me to slice and dice the carrot, scallion, and ginger. And to cut the lonely pork chop into 1/4 inch slices.  By the time I'm doing that, I'm already wondering how I'm going to use the other eight carrots and celery ribs, along with the scallions and ginger. Cooking like this sets off a chain reaction; I'm always chasing the next recipe that can use these ingredients before they get wilted and slimey. 

It's a funny thing, this cooking for one. I've been at it for over nine years now. Some days--and weeks--I do better than others. Overall, I manage quite nicely, and do find ways to use the carrots, celery, and whatever else comes my way. It's important to me and a huge part of self-care. 

There's your glimpse into a single cook's kitchen. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make a pot of chili. Or maybe just a big bowl of popcorn...after all, no one's watching.

Next week: Holiday Cooking for One

 

 

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Shoes I Have Worn for Men

Let us now consider the matter of shoes.  Not just any shoes, the everyday footwear that gets us to work, to the store, and to the gym.  Not the sandals that look so cute with the sundress.  Not the suede boots that set off the skinny jeans.

No.  Let's talk about the shoes that we have bought with a man in mind. 

I'll go first.  I only regret that I don't have photos of them, taken over the years, and kept in a Shoe Scrapbook.  You'll have to use your imaginations as I describe not only the shoe, but the man, and why it mattered.  There isn't time or space to list them all.  A few examples will ring true with the females, and give the males an idea of what we do to please.

"Would you like to go to Homecoming?"  This is how it all began, with an invitation to a high school dance, held in the gym.  The good news:  he was a football player, albeit junior varsity.  The other news:  he was short.  But I was a sophomore, so options were limited.  I set out in search of a shoe with any kind of heel less than 2 inches.  Challenging, when I could neither tower over him, nor feel fancy in flats.  It was harder than finding the dress.  In the end, the shoe had a "princess" heel, later to be called a kitten heel.  Barely there, but technically not a flat.  A classic pump, with a rounded vamp and moderately pointed toe. Satin, dyed to match the blue dress.  Whew!  I did it!

 

"How about a hike up the mountain trail?"  Sure, why not?  We'd been out a few times, and I kinda like this guy.  Except I'm thinking my sneakers aren't going to be sufficient.   Now, I love to walk, but there was nothing in my shoe repertoire that would get me up a vertical, rugged dirt path.  Off I scoot to the sporting goods store.  Even though I've never worn hiking boots, I somehow know the look I'm after:  sporty, not too clunky, low-cut, not light tan.  Oh, and they shouldn't look brand-new, so I don't appear to have just run out and bought them.  You will not be surprised to learn that authentic outdoor footwear has its own criteria:  sturdy, good support, rugged soles.  So, it was my fashion sense versus the true purpose.  In the end, I lost.  I will say the hiking boots felt good that day.  Better than the date; he was way too outdoorsy for me.  I refused to camp.  But the boots remained in the back of my closet, until I decided to do things my way, in 2014.

"Let's go sailing."   ...and you thought I was going to be writing about all the frivolous shoes I've bought to impress men.  Not so, steadfast readers!  The shoe has to fit both the occasion and the man's idea of attractive.  In this case, it was a pair of white leather sneakers, with functional laces and a tread that would keep me from slipping overboard.  Of all the shoes I've set out after, these were the easiest to find.  I was finally free to give full attention to the wardrobe.  Which was good, since this man had True Potential.  It was his own sailboat, he was handsome, lots of compatibility.  I had already taken sailing lessons before we met, so I wasn't a complete novice.  It was fun...the blue sky, the sun, the sense of flying across the water.  The shoes were perfect.  Alas, in the end, he announced he was looking for "intimacy without commitment."  What?!?!!  I gave those shoes to Goodwill, pronto.

 

"Can you wear sexy stilettos?"   Ahhh, already I adore this man!  He knows what he likes and isn't afraid to ask for it.  He's visual, he's intense.  I couldn't wait to add these to my collection.  In fact, I get several pairs, and they're put to good use.  I wear them everywhere we go, even at home.  He's appreciative and complimentary.  I never felt more attractive.  It's all good...  Not all women like to wear  high heels, but I do.  I embrace my inner Carrie Bradshaw when I have them on.  With a great pedicure and black slides, I'm certain that I can take on the world.  Female readers know exactly what I mean.  Forget the warnings about foot damage.  More than any other style, high heels exemplify what we do for love...even if it makes no sense.

There's a reason those Nordstrom sales draw hoards of women to the shoe department.  It's primal.  And it's completely unrelated to feminism.  Don't tell me you have never used shoes for seduction.

Ahhhhh, but now I am off on a 500-mile walk across Spain, sporting footwear that is for me and me alone. Including Crocs. Enough said.

I think I may finally have figured this shoe thing out...

 

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A Nurse or A Purse: Why Boomer Women Stay Single…Or Should Really, Really Think About It

"You should be very careful about remarrying after 60," a counselor once told me. "At that age, men are looking for a nurse or a purse."

Being a young girl of only 50, I had no idea what he was talking about. What about love? What about growing old together? What about enjoying the fruits of our labors? Road Scholar, Senior Bingo, and Early Bird Dinners?

Anything's possible, the counselor continued. "But men at that age tend to fall into a couple of categories..."  Go on, I urged. What he had to say was not encouraging to Boomer women who still cling to the fantasy of Prince Charming and Happy-Ever-After.

It seems that Boomer Prince Charming has either run out of gold coins or is afflicted with a castle-full of medical conditions. He's now on a knightly quest to be rescued, not the other way around. 

Today's single Boomer men are likely divorced or widowed. Either way, they have spent their adult years in relationships that were probably gender-traditional. Even when both partners worked, women tended to be responsible for the domestic side of marriage: cooking, cleaning, laundry. Also the scheduling and social upkeep of the relationship. The men? They mowed the lawn, shoveled the snow, managed the oil changes.  

Make no mistake--please know that this is not an accurate description of all relationships; many, many, many couples happily evolved over the years. Which is why they are still married. We are in awe and unabashedly jealous.

Following a divorce, the guys need some serious help in navigating a daily life. Or a ride home and a little TLC after cataract surgery. Maybe some house cleaning, as long as you're there. The logical answer? A new wife! The younger, the better.

Widowers tend to be drifting about, without a port or an anchor. They don't even have the anger of divorce to energize them. They're in shock, and want a replacement NOW. They crave the creature comforts of marriage more than their divorced counterparts, who seem to enjoy a bit of "fresh air" and a return to the casual Woodstock-era sex of their youth before the doldrums set in.

Perpetual bachelors should be avoided at all costs. They are charming, but clueless. Enough said.

So. Women--who also like companionship and its fringe benefits--are faced with a tough decision. Having taken care of children, husbands, parents, pets, and plants for several decades, they find themselves kind of enjoying the freedom of singlehood. Popcorn for dinner, any movie or play, and no one snoring next to them. Hairy legs. Freedom to fart. 

Yet...

It's nice to have someone to come home to. To go places with. Sure, we are perfectly capable of getting ourselves anywhere, eating alone, self-pleasuring, buying single tickets for whatever/wherever. We know we don't need a partner to enjoy or validate a great meal or a beautiful sunset. We are our own wonderful, complete selves and our identity is not tied to another person. Still, it can get lonely sometimes. No celebrations, no surprises, no plans, no memories or rituals that bind us to someone else. Ever. Again.

What Stevie Nicks and I Have in Common

 

 

Which one is which?  Separated at birth?

Stevie Nicks:
* the sultry and defining voice of Fleetwood Mac
* nominated eight times for a Grammy solo award
* Jimi Hendrix once dedicated a song to her

Okay, so I have had none of those things happen to me. But look closer! We both have flippy hair and necklaces. And dopey "looking into the future" Senior picture expressions.

And...We're both 65 and single. Two women in the prime of our lives, each open to having a boyfriend. But neither of us is hanging around, waiting for the universe to deliver him to our doorstep. If he does show up, he'd better have lots of energy. (Oh, and neither of us suffers fools gladly.)

"It would be fun if I could find a boyfriend who understands my life..."  Me, too, Stevie!     I feel the same way! However, the rest of her sentence doesn't exactly reflect my own experience: "...and didn't get his feelings hurt because I'm always a phone call from having to leave in two hours for New York." Being poised to jet to New York at a moment's notice will never, ever be one of my concerns.  I would likely finish the sentence with something like: "...and didn't get his feelings hurt because I will no longer consider Las Vegas as an annual vacation spot."

See what I mean? We're practically identical! I can't tell you how often people stop me and ask me to sing a few lines of "Rhiannon." ALL the time...

Besides the fact that we both have blonde hair--probably achieved the same way--there's another similarity. We've both been married (She for three months to the husband of her best friend, who died of cancer and left an infant son. Me to a high school fantasy, and later to a man who died within two years of our wedding.)

Now we're both still thinking that there could possibly be a man out there who will appreciate and adore us. Why? Because we're both smart, fun, and up for adventures.   I'll let Stevie speak for both of us:  "If it were to happen to me, I'd be thrilled."

BUT....If it doesn't, we're both okay.

Stevie plans to turn 90 at her "gloriously beautiful beach house somewhere on the planet...with five or six Chinese Crested Yorkies."  I'm more of a modest-means girl, so for me, it will be in a nifty condo somewhere near my family. I don't even know what a Chinese Crested Yorkie is.

Aside from our ever-so-slightly-different plans for our Golden Years, we both take care of ourselves, and understand the importance of accepting our age. Once again--it's uncanny!--Stevie takes the words right out of my mouth:

“You have to keep yourself youthful. And I don’t mean looking 22 and going to plastic surgery and looking like a caricature of yourself, a stranger that nobody recognizes so that you can’t even get a table at a restaurant because you really don’t look like Stevie Nicks (or Suzy!) anymore. I wear the right clothes, age-appropriate clothes. But I can still do some of the things I could do when I was really young and pull it off as a 65-year-old chick.”     

Yeah, I hate when no one recognizes me and I can't get a table at a restaurant. 

Hard to believe Stevie and I are dateless. At least she understands. If anyone has any relationship tips for my gal pal or me, give a shout.

If we're not too busy, we'll get back to you...

 

 

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The Apron Returns...As Sexy Fashion

Yes, indeed! Aprons are not only enjoying a revival, but they have gained a certain cache in the fashion world. Apparently, they have become sex magnets.

Remember in junior high, when girls took Home Economics and boys took Shop?  I don't know about you, but at my school, girls had to sew an apron. As I recall, it was our first "needle" project. We all showed up with our fabric, rick-rack, and a seam ripper.

We also showed up with varying degrees of enthusiasm. An apron wasn't exactly a novel idea. None of us were strangers to aprons; the women in our families had worn them for decades on a steady basis. An apron was a kitchen basic, designed to protect clothing during food preparation and serving. They came in two styles: waist-tie or bib. Sure, they might have a jazzy print or a snappy holiday pattern, but they were...well, just aprons.

I had little interest in sewing and zero interest in making an apron, even though mine had the handy feature of a hand towel stitched into the waistband. What a bonus! You could wipe your hands anytime you wanted! Or use it as a potholder! I also knew I was stuck with it; my own mother didn't want another apron, even disguised as a gift. It was a burden for a seventh-grader who preferred reading and science.

An apron probably takes less than an hour to make; I'm sure our class spent the entire school quarter on this dreary task. I earned a C on mine. Lucked out; had the grade reflected my attitude, it would have been much worse.

After that escapade, I didn't give aprons another thought until I was about to get married. They cropped up at my bridal showers like mushrooms after a rain storm. Okay, I thought. I guess this means I'm really going to be a wife now. And I wore them...I did. To bake, to cook, when I wanted to look festive serving Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Didn't live in them, but I came to appreciate the purpose and the protection.

What goes around comes around...again and again. Fast-forward fifty years, and guess what? Aprons are not only functional, but they are COOL! 

Even better, now they are sexy!

Could Facebook Go Away? Maybe…It Causes Loneliness and Miserable Feelings

So. Facebook has over one billion users. But there is growing concern that there could be an upcoming bailout. Why, you ask? We can't be without it! In fact, we're addicted! Updates, photos, recipes, motivational quotes. Connections, long-lost friends, classmates, and lovers. Who doesn't want all those things, in one handy place?

It seems that younger users--and by this, I mean college-aged adults--find themselves feeling miserable after reading what their friends are posting.  According to a study at University of Michigan, the more this group used Facebook, the more glum they felt.

Straight from the abstract: "We text-messaged people five times per day for two weeks to examine how Facebook use influences the two components of well-being: how people feel moment-to-moment and how satisfied they are with their lives. Our results indicate that Facebook use predicts negative shifts on both of these variables over time. The more people used Facebook at one time point, the worse they felt the next time we text-messaged them; the more they used Facebook over two weeks, the more their life satisfaction levels declined over time."

Wow. 

I remember college being one of the best times of my life. All the fun, yet without the responsibilities that would come after graduation. Friends, freedom, and the chance to ease into adulthood. Sure, there were those classes, but it all managed to get done. Visits back home, maybe just enough to do laundry and get a few doses of home cooking...then eagerly returning to campus. I can't say that I ever truly felt "miserable."

Perhaps we were fortunate to be unencumbered by social media; we didn't have great awareness of what others were doing. Participants in the study reported feeling lonely and isolated.  During the NPR segment I listened to, one young woman said that she was considering closing her Facebook account. "Everyone's life seems so much better than mine," she tried to explain. "I read posts about 'We're at the movies' or see a picture of my friends at a new restaurant.  I feel like I'm the only one who's not out having fun."

Really?

I don't quite know what to think about that. Certainly there has to be a basic level of understanding when reading others' posts. No one has a perfect life. Does the ability to either self-filter the posts ("Oh, that's just her, always gloating...") or to be glad for someone ("Yippee! I know he's been craving Thai food!") only develop over time?  Can a bright and promising 20-something actually feel as if he's the only one who's not living the dream on a Friday night? Does comparison by social media matter that much?

More from the researchers, regarding the negative outcomes: "They [the outcomes] were not moderated by by the size of people's Facebook networks, their perceived supportiveness, motivation for using Facebook, gender, loneliness, self-esteem, or depression.  On the surface, Facebook provides an invaluable resource for fulfilling the basic human need for social connection. Rather than enhancing well-being, however, these findings suggest that Facebook may undermine it."

A quick look at the graph below will show why the study's results matter, even though the sample size was small.  If 29% of users become disenchanted with Facebook, there is a lot at stake.

And while Facebook use by older adults is on the upswing--Boomers used to be 4%--we're still not driving the bus, by any means.  I'm also guessing we don't feel bad when we use it. We're enjoying it for all the right reasons: to connect, to chat, to check-in. Then we go do something else for awhile. We're tolerant of our differences, and excited for our friends who are having a good time.  

It's interesting, this notion of social media and how it affects us. We've all read the tragic stories of cyber-bullying and lives cut short.  Perhaps we should be grateful to have escaped this intense way of communicating.

Makes passing notes in class look downright healthy.

 

 

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