BoomerBlix: Thursday Three

Thursday Three

12/13/2015

The ESSENTIAL Gift-Giving Guide for Men

Credit: Express.co.uk

Men: Listen up! I am here to help you impress the woman in your life; add zip to your relationship; and show her that you really do pay attention to what she likes. (This is an update of an earlier--and wildly popular--Blix. It bears repeating.)

With the holiday season in full swing, it's time to think about the perfect gift for the woman you love. I feel safe posting this Blix with two weeks before Christmas (sorry, Hannukah friends...) because many of you are just realizing that you're going to have to shop. Now, and again in two months, for Valentine's Day. Let's get going, then!

1. Fake gems. Think Cubic Zirconia here. Or any other sparkly-glass that you are hoping to pass off as the real thing. Yes, I know that the diamond market is rigged and that the values are false. And I know how much a real gemstone costs. I also know the claim that the imposters look as good as the real thing. But...they aren't. It's more than a little dishonest--and insulting--to trick the woman you love. The lesson here: Go big or go home.

That said, it is fine to give fun jewelry. Statement necklaces, bangle bracelets, exotic earrings. Women like to receive these. For one thing, it shows that you spent time choosing something special. The other thing: she knows those pearls/rubies/emeralds/sapphires are not genuine. And she will be totally okay with that, when you say, "I saw this and thought you would look beautiful...."

2. Utensils and appliances. This is very dark territory, and if you value your relationship--and possibly your life--you won't ever let the thought of anything that could be interpreted as "this will make your chores easier" cross your mind. To drive this point home, let me give an example from a past marriage. Christmas morning, 1975: a ketchup pump. I can still vividly remember the moment of staring at it, wondering who in his right mind would think this was a good idea. Let's just say it wasn't a "merry" day. (Years later, I told this story to a man I was dating. He thought it was so humorous, that he went out and got me a ketchup pump as a gag gift. It was not funny then, either.) Another time, the same former husband got me a calculator for Mother's Day. No need to elaborate. You get the idea.

Some of you will say that if a woman loves to cook, that a gadget or appliance is swell. I will say back to you that you can buy those things together, the next time you're browsing at Williams-Sonoma. There is no reason to saddle her with another device on a special day. There are zillions of special, loving, thoughtful gifts to show your love. A chef's knife is not one of them. Even. If. She. Begs. I will concede to a terrific cook book...if you plan to make meals together from it.

3. ANYTHING that has to do with self-improvement. Sure, she's been depressed about gaining weight. Yes, she has hinted that she might to try Botox. Do not--repeat, do not!--decide to surprise her with a membership to Weight Watchers, the latest exercise video, or a gift certificate to a plastic surgeon. Doing so says that you agree...she could use a little help. Even if she asks outright, treat this the same way as the ketchup pump: The money comes from some other fund. I'm pretty sure that most women have had the awkward experience of opening a gift to find something that, while well-intended, feels a little hurtful. ("Gosh. A new digital bathroom scale. Can't wait to try it...") We females tend to dwell on our imperfections. What we're wanting is our man to focus on the good bits.

In the same vein, guys, try to avoid the "practical" stuff. Flannel robes, sweat pants, baggy pajamas--anything that suggests that she doesn't really need to bother to glam up anymore. That sends a message, too. She's not the Victoria's Secret type? Tuck your fantasies away. If that's the case, a gift from VS would be another kind of ouch. Just think it through, and match her style, only upgraded. Repeat: upgraded. Because she would never spend that amount on herself. But you are telling her she is sooooooooo worth it.

Feeling more confident now? Ready to dazzle the woman who makes you glad to be alive? Let her know that you are glad she chose you? (Because she did...)

You're welcome!

Dec 13, 2015 5:19:00 AM | Family, Relationships, Thursday Three

07/09/2015

Three Wonderful Watermelon Recipes

"When one has tasted watermelon, he knows what angels eat." --Mark Twain

True that! Is there any other food that sings of summer like sweet watermelon? In every store now, at affordable in-season prices, get 'em while you can. How to find the best? Watermelons don't ripen or get sweeter after they're picked, so look for the pale yellow spot that tells you the melon ripened on the ground, in the sun. Pick a heavy one, too--they're 92% water, so one with more heft is likely to be juicy.

Growing up, we drove to Southern Illinois every summer to visit family. Farmers would sit by the road with a truck bed full of watermelons, practically giving them away. My dad would buy a few and we'd take them to my grandmother's, where he would drop them on the ground, so we could eat the hearts. It was wasteful and decadent--of course, we all loved it. Why mess with seeds when there was such abundance? Now, of course we have seedless watermelons, so it's one more memory that today's kids won't get to have. No seed-spitting competitions for our grandchildren.

For years and years, watermelons were simply sliced--or dropped--or used in those clever fruit salads that require lots of time, patience, and a fair amount of skill. But what a sight, to see someone carry in a magnificent watermelon, carefully scooped out, edges scalloped, and filled with summer fruits!

Like all foods, chefs and foodies eventually "discovered" watermelon and elevated it to gourmet status. I am not the least bit critical of their efforts--watermelon deserves to be appreciated for what it brings to our summer dining.

To celebrate the "wondrous watermelon," here are three recipes that will have you heading to the store for ingredients, and enjoying before the weekend is over! Each recipe serves four, so plan accordingly.

WATERMELON GAZPACHO

3-4 cups watermelon, diced
2 cups ripe tomatoes, seeded and chopped
1/2 large cucumber, peeled and diced
2 Tablespoons olive oil
2 Tablespoons red wine vinegar
Salt to taste

Mix everything together. Take about half and put in a food processor for fine-dicing. Then remix. Chill well and serve!

WATERMELON, SPINACH, AND BACON SALAD

2 Tablespoons sweet Asian chili sauce
2-3 Tablespoons fresh lime juice
1-2 Tablespoons olive oil
1 package of baby spinach leaves
2-3 cups watermelon, cubed
3-4 slices crisp bacon, crumbled
1/4 red onion, sliced fine

In a large salad bowl, whisk together the first three ingredients. Add everything else and toss together.

WATERMELON AND FETA SALAD WITH MINT AND HONEY

4 cups watermelon, sliced or cubed
4 ounces feta cheese, sliced or crumbled
2-3 Tablespoons honey
Fresh mint leaves, finely cut or sliced

Cut watermelon in slices or cubes. Place on a plate with cheese (cut to match the watermelon). Drizzle the honey over the top, then generously sprinkle with the mint leaves.

One more bit of good news: Enjoy seedless watermelon--it's a hybrid, not GMO!!

Jul 9, 2015 4:27:00 AM | Food and Drink, Thursday Three

06/04/2015

Three Things Waiters Want Us To Know

In an earlier Blix, I told you about "Heads in Beds: A Reckless Memoir of Hotels, Hustles, and So-Called" by Jacob Tomsky, a former Front Desk Agent who spilled the beans about the hotel industry, and how discreetly handing over $20 at check-in can change your entire "customer service"experience. (I tried it, and he's absolutely correct!)

Today let's talk about what food servers wish they could tell us. A few years ago, there was a wildly popular blog called "Waiter Rant," where an anonymous waiter vented freely and frequently about the miseries of a career in the restaurant business. Eventually he reached the breaking point and quit...well, for awhile. He took his blog posts, polished them up, and the result: "Waiter Rant: Thanks for the Tip--Confessions of a Cynical Waiter," a no-holds barred description of a thankless job.

If you've ever worked in a restaurant--I lasted two weeks at a Howard Johnson's back in 1969--you become a life-long generous tipper. It's how we acknowledge our brethren who toil on our behalf: "I'm so sorry I asked you for more [whatever]...if I could get it myself, I would." We learn to be efficient in ordering and grateful for a pleasant attitude.

Most restaurants survive on a thin profit margin. Owners are constantly searching for ways to cut costs, with both food and employees. The waitstaff is stuck in the middle: Encouraging diners to choose dishes with bigger profit margins, while tolerating the lunacy of management. Toss in angry chefs, sexual and verbal harassment, lack of benefits, vermin of all kinds, sleazy co-workers...well, you see my point.

That's all before the customers come through the door. Ah, the customers. The author, Steve Dublanica, tells us that there really are great customers. He writes, "Eighty percent of customers are nice people just looking for something to eat. The remaining twenty percent, however, are socially maladjusted psychopaths." As you might suspect, he comes down hard on bad tippers. There are even categories of tippers. See if you fit in any of these groups:

The Verbal Tippers: "Heavy on praise, but cheap with the cash."
The 10-Percenters: Usually senior citizens who think nothing has changed in fifty years.
The Accountants: Tightwads who tip on the total before tax. "If forced to split a check of $100.01, one guy will tip $7.50 and the other will tip $7.49." They complain about the prices, too.
The Flat Tippers: No matter how well they're treated--"you could spill hot soup on their baby"--they always tip 15%. Always.
The Average Joes: They tip between 15-20%, depending on their experience. Easy to deal with, they're most of the customers.
The Nice Customers: They understand and respect that their servers are professionals. Often regulars, they tip 25% or more.

Dublanica tells many tales of his years at "The Bistro." Some are hilarious, some are outrageous, others simply heartbreaking. He describes customers of every stripe; the hell of Mother's Day brunches; and the ongoing battles between the kitchen and the front of the house.

At the end of the book, The Waiter gives us tips on how to be a fabulous customer. Here are three:

Reservations: If you make a reservation, then keep it! On Fridays and Saturdays, about 20% of people just don't show up--or call. It throws everything off. Remember that today's reservation system tracks this; you could end up on the blackball list. Also, call if you're going to be late.
Be Polite: Say "please" and "thank you" to the staff. This means everyone from the coat checker and hostess to the bartender and the waiter. Never snap your fingers to get the waiter's attention or ask the waiter's name so you can yell at him across the room. It can totally backfire on you.
Regarding the Check: Ask for it. In an upscale restaurant, servers don't like to drop it on the table. The "sign-the-check" signal is acceptable, but not popular with waitstaff. Pay the check within five minutes of receiving it--and make it obvious that you have done so by having the cash or credit card sticking out of the check holder. And please, don't ask for separate checks at the end of the meal.

Be good to your server and you will be rewarded in kind. He'll tell you if a special is really terrible and will make sure your side salad is...well, you'll have to read the book to find that part out.

Jun 4, 2015 5:04:00 AM | Food and Drink, Thursday Three

04/02/2015

Three Puzzling Things About Las Vegas

Paris and northern Italy...one one shot!

A recent long weekend in Las Vegas prompted me to ask the same questions I've had from previous visits. No matter how I try, I can't wrap my head around some of the stuff that goes on. No, not the baudy behavior of the Millennials who now flock here. Nor the continuing growth of the Strip. It seems there can never be enough accommodations or Cirque de Soleil shows.

I'm stumped over things that seem simple, yet aren't...

1. Why people bring their children. Help me out here. Besides an irresistible all-paid trip to a conference, why would you even want to bring children to Las Vegas? There is NOTHING here for kids, beyond the pool. A decade or so ago, Las Vegas tried--unsuccessfully--to rebrand itself as a "family friendly" distinction. Big mistake. Las Vegas has always been an Adult Destination. When children are not even remotely allowed in casinos, there's precious little to amuse the kiddos. You can only visit the M & M Store so many times. Heaven help you if the weather's not water-worthy. Yet parents continue to haul their children to a city that is made for adults. Only. Adults. They go there to be, well, adult. Why would anyone want to expose their kids to the stuff that goes on? How much fun can it be for the parents not to be able to enjoy those adult pleasures themselves? And what to you say in the face of the the antics that go on...because many people tend to believe the "What happens in Vegas..." tagline?

2. Why folks stand in line to pay $50 for a breakfast buffet. Gone are the days of the $1.99 breakfast and $.99 shrimp cocktail. The idea was to draw in visitors to gamble. Now, people spend 1.5 times as much on food and clubs than slots or craps. Hotels have recruited big-name chefs to set up restaurants--and the prices reflect it. From morning to night, everything is expensive. One morning's none-buffet breakfast: $91! ($5 coffee and $8 juice--times two--jacked the price up faster than you could say "Royal Flush.") Maybe people figure that $50 (before tip) for a breakfast buffet that includes shrimp and tiny crab legs is part of the experience. Dropping a "benjamin" for a few trips to get eggs, bacon, pad thai, cold cuts, and sweet rolls might make one feel like a high roller. It makes me feel like I've been bamboozled. At least the coffee is included! Let me continue: food is outrageous. One meal featured $21 for a glass of chianti to go with the $32 spaghetti and meatballs. Salad? Only $15 more. I could go on and on, but you're smart people. Interestingly, there's a snappy new White Castle on the Strip--so popular, that it has had to close twice. Ran out of burgers.

3. Why critics predict the demise of Vegas. Aside from the serious water shortage that doesn't seem to slow down the growing number of fountains, gardens, and pools of the hotels, someone is always moaning that Las Vegas has changed and is going under. I have noticed that the grumps tend to be Boomers, who aren't happy with the changes that city planners have made. But with 40 million visitors a year--spending $27.4 billion--it's hard to see signs of crumble. What is happening? Make way for the Millennials! More bars, more chains such as Señor Frogs, more trips with friends instead of spouses. Beach clubs and night clubs abound. For a $50+ entry, you can dance and mingle, from noon into the early morning. Grand driveways have given way to sidewalk beer stands. Real estate is too valuable for free stuff, such as the former Pirate Ship Battle in front of Treasure Island. Las Vegas has always evolved to entice people to visit. I'm pretty sure it wasn't founded as a major conference destination, but now who doesn't get excited when Las Vegas is announced as the site for a meeting? If you loved the Vegas of the past, you likely won't be thrilled with the changes. A smart "brand" adapts to target demographics...and Las Vegas is definitely a brand. It's not going anywhere.

Apr 2, 2015 10:39:59 AM | Thursday Three, Travel

03/12/2015

Three Things That Bug Me About Oprah

"Because I'm Oprah, that's why!" Photo credit: Twitter

Let me start by saying that I know I'm skating on thin ice here. Writing anything less than full-out praise for Oprah is likely to generate some protests. Just hear (read) me out.

I first "met" Oprah when she came to Chicago to host the A.M. Chicago show. She was refreshing from the start, ready to win us over. And she did. Within a few months, her show was on top--we were all smitten. I'll also admit there was a sense of pride that this dynamic, groundbreaking black woman represented Chicago.

Then came The Oprah Winfrey Show, only four years later. I even managed to get tickets to a couple of her shows...not that it was difficult to do back then. Still, it was fun to be in that little studio, watching her in action. She seemed magical, bigger-than-life, at ease in her own skin. The perfect success story.

You know the rest. Her own studio, celebrities standing in line to be interviewed, Tom Cruise jumping on the sofa. The over-the-top giveaways. A remarkable transformation in looks, hair, makeup, wardrobe. The wealthiest woman in America. So, how come I'm not still in awe?

The magazine. I know for a fact that it's not just me who is waaaaay tired of seeing Oprah on every single cover of her magazine. Plus, in recent years, she seems to think we are interested in the photo shoot for the cover. Joy, my best friend from high school, has agreed with me on this for decades. True, Michelle Obama earned a shared cover, as did Ellen DeGeneres (after a vigorous campaign). But, really? The magazine itself is fine, full of motivational stories. One might actually envision Oprah sitting at a computer, pencil in her hair, churning out life-changing articles and choosing the inspirational quotes that draw the thankful Letters to the Editor each month. But it is the never-ending cover that makes me crazy: "Look! I'm Oprah! Everything in this magazine is wonderful! Oh, and by the way, I'm wearing clothes you will never begin to afford!!"
The "discoveries." Of course the entire country remembers when she lost all that weight. She put on skinny jeans and hauled fake "fat-chunks" out on the stage in a sweet little red wagon. As I recall, she used a liquid diet and chef-prepared meals to reach her goal. America swooned. Why? Because Oprah "discovered" that if you take in fewer calories than you need...why, you lose weight! It was mind-blowing! Then, she announced her Book Club. News Flash: Oprah "discovered" that reading can be fun! Only about 350 years after Shakespeare, she blesses authors and declares reading worthwhile. What's next? Wearing seat belts saves lives?
The lack of charity. I'm certain that every wealthy person quietly distributes to worthy causes, including Oprah. She's got a couple of foundations in her name. It's my opinion that the richer you are, the greater your obligation to make the world the better place. And to set an example--not just with your own Angel Network, which started with donations from viewers. Bill and Melinda Gates have made global health their cause, and they do some pretty kick-ass stuff. Warren Buffett has joined them. Hello, Oprah? Sure, there are the girls' schools in South Africa--a swell start. I wasn't even a little bit critical, as others were, that they weren't American schools. But now...how about an American school? Or a hundred? How about a book for every kindergartener? A network of shelters for abused women and kids? Something grand, to show us you are more than your seven homes and private jet. Americans made you rich, girlfriend. Where's the love??

I'm not denying that Oprah's not a powerful force. She has a true rags-to-riches story. I'm only saying there are a few things that bother me, and that she could stand to take a month off modeling to put some unsung heroes on the cover of her magazine. Then, I will buy it.

Mar 12, 2015 4:14:00 AM | Current Affairs, Television, Thursday Three

11/20/2014

Three Great Things About Movember

Today let's celebrate Movember, a brilliant campaign to raise awareness for men's health. After a month of Pink-Pink-Pink, it's refreshing to watch the men in our lives burst out those moustaches as a reminder that they have cancers to conquer, too.

In case you need a quick reminder, here's the explanation from the US Movember FAQ page: "The Movember Foundation is the leading global organization committed to changing the face of men’s health. We achieve this by challenging men to grow, and women to support, moustaches during Movember (the month formerly known as November) to spark conversation and raise funds for prostate cancer, testicular cancer and mental health problems."

It's no secret that I'm not usually a fan of moustaches. But come Movember, here are three reasons for me to put my bias aside for thirty days:

1. Finally, men have a way to talk about male cancers. By signing up to join the Mo Bros, guys are able to raise money--and awareness--for diseases that have only been mumbled about. This is serious stuff:

1 in 2 men will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime
Prostate cancer is the 2nd most common cancer in men in the U.S.
Testicular cancer is the most common cancer in young men aged 15-35 years

2. Movember also shines a light into the dark tunnel of mental illness. Men may act brave and strut their macho selves around, denying their need to seek help:

1 in 4 adults will experience a mental health problem in a given year
15 million American adults are diagnosed with depression each year
More than four times as many men as women die by suicide in the U.S.

3. Movember is fun! What a super way to approach men's health! Even the rules are clever: "Shave the Date." Look at some of the events and promotions:

Check out the style guide to choose your mo for the month. Will it be Regent, Box Car, or Rock Star?
Raise $100 and get a free ticket to your nearly Gala Parté. After a month of raising funds and awareness for men’s health, Mo Bros and Mo Sistas (women who support their men during Movember) around the globe end the month in style at an official celebration.
Research gets funded. Almost $600, 000 raised! Click here to read about the studies made possible by Movember.

We all have men in our lives who are dearly important to us. Right now, men live an average of five years less than women. Let's ALL work to make male lives healthier and happier, shall we?

Are you a 2014 Mo Bro? Let us know: [email protected].

Want to send a check to to support Movember?

Movember
P.O. Box 1595
Culver City, CA
90232

Nov 20, 2014 4:19:12 AM | Current Affairs, Health, Thursday Three

11/13/2014

Three Reasons to Feed the Homeless

With Veterans Day just behind us, and Thanksgiving two weeks away, let's pause today and consider the plight of the homeless people in the United States.

Arnold Abbott, 90 year old WWII veteran, chef, and anti-hunger activist

Credit: Sun Sentinel

By now, the world has heard of Arnold Abbott's brave attempt to feed the homeless in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. The feisty 90 year old, along with two renegade pastors, was arrested and issued two citations for defying the new law that prohibits giving food to the less fortunate folks of the city. They were charged with breaking an ordinance restricting public feeding of the homeless. Each faces up to 60 days in jail and a $500 fine.

The law, passed on October 22, restricts "feeding sites" to one per city block. The "sites" must also be 500 feet from each other...and of course, from residential property. The thought is to limit food intake for those inconsiderate freeloaders who blot the landscape of Ft. Lauderdale.

Yes, the very same Ft. Lauderdale that has welcomed drunk college students for decades. Apparently, young people puking in public is a thing of beauty.

Not feeding hungry people is all the rage. According to the National Coalition for the Homeless, 21 cities have passed similar ordinances. Mr. Abbott, himself a World War II veteran, took on Ft. Lauderdale in 1999, when he filed a lawsuit to be able to feed the homeless. For 15 years he has done so. Lovely four-course meals that feed the soul as well as the body. He was back last week, serving the homeless as police videotaped the crime.

I'm not sure of the logic behind the efforts to stop feeding poor people...and no one is poorer than the homeless. Do the city council members say to each other, "If we cut off their food supply, they will just leave."?? Or, "Those homeless folks have it pretty damned good. Free food! Let's show them how the real world operates..."?? Possibly, "If we let them starve, maybe they will get jobs."??

That's not how it works, political geniuses. According to The National Coalition for the Homeless, here are a few facts:

"Far too many veterans are homeless in America—between 130,000 and 200,000 on any given night—representing between one fourth and one-fifth of all homeless people. Three times that many veterans are struggling with excessive rent burdens and thus at increased risk of homelessness."
"Further, there is concern about the future. Women veterans and those with disabilities including post traumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury are more likely to become homeless, and a higher percentage of veterans returning from the current conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq have these characteristics. 45% have a mental illness."
"Battered women who live in poverty are often forced to choose between abusive relationships and homelessness. In addition, 50% of the cities surveyed by the U.S. Conference of Mayors identified domestic violence as a primary cause of homelessness (U.S. Conference of Mayors, 2005).Approximately 63% of homeless women have experienced domestic violence in their adult lives (Network to End Domestic Violence)."
"Low-wage workers have been particularly have been left behind as the disparity between rich and poor has mushroomed. To compound the problem, the real value of the minimum wage in 2004 was 26% less than in 1979 (The Economic Policy Institute, 2005). Factors contributing to wage declines include a steep drop in the number and bargaining power of unionized workers; erosion in the value of the minimum wage; a decline in manufacturing jobs and the corresponding expansion of lower-paying service-sector employment; globalization; and increased nonstandard work, such as temporary and part-time employment (Mishel, Bernstein, and Schmitt, 1999)."

Don't even start me on the plight of homeless children and teens. It is beyond heartbreaking.

With this background, here are three reasons to feed the homeless:

Each one is somebody's child. They grew up like the rest of us. They were giggly babies and cute gap-toothed first graders. Moody teens. They probably had a parent who loved them as much as we love our kids. No one chooses to be homeless. Something happened and now they are broken. What if your child lived in a park or under a bridge? Wouldn't you be grateful for any kindess that another person showed to him or her?
It's the right thing to do. Last time I checked, every single religion says we should take care of the poor. Beyond that, it is simply what humans do for each other. We especially should offer our thanks to veterans who came back from duty so shattered that they can't function. Don't post your flag-waving "Thanks for your service" message on Facebook if you can't reach out and help that person in real life.
It could be you. Or me. John Bradford said, "There but for the grace of God go I." Life doesn't always go as planned. The best efforts fail. The housing market collapses. The economy takes a nosedive. Medical bills eat up a lifetime of savings. Everyone is vulnerable at some point. Can't we show compassion to our neighbors who happen to be suffering?

Contribute to a food bank. Serve at a soup kitchen twice next year. Join a Food4Kids campaign. Volunteer for Meals on Wheels. Find some way to end hunger in our bountiful country.

Heck, be truly daring like Arnold Abbott--feed the homeless.

Nov 13, 2014 11:37:51 AM | Current Affairs, Florida, Thursday Three

11/06/2014

Three Prerequisites for Every Politician

Whew! The elections are over, and now we must live with the results for two more years. With the campaign ordeal behind us, we're free to watch television, listen to the radio, and open our mailboxes again...at least for a few weeks, before the 2016 race begins.

The idea for today's Blix comes from my daughter, Katy. She has decided that before anyone even thinks of running for public office, the candidate-wannabe should be required to do three things; only after completion of these tasks could a candidate move forward.. These requirements would give him or her an inkling of how things really work. And what needs to be changed. Not from a cozy office in Washington, DC, protected by layers of like-minded staff. But from first-hand experience--successful navigation of common challenges in their future districts.

Here's Katy's list:

1. Apply for unemployment...then try to find a job.

Ever been to an unemployment office? Had to talk to the weary state employee who has heard every sad story in the world, and is unable to do much about it? I applied for and received unemployment compensation in 2011. The process is embarrassing and cumbersome. Once the initial paperwork is done (by the weary state employee) then comes the documentation of the job search.

Oh, the job search. The endless online applications, entering the same information over and over and over. Only to be screened out, because that's what Human Resources software is designed to do. It's a huge victory if you manage to actually speak to a human. You just want to explain how you really are qualified for the job, that you learn quickly, you're a really nice person, and how much your clients and coworkers loved you. Sometimes there is an automated email rejection ("We appreciate your application. However...") or other times, there is just nothing. Radio silence.

If potential politicians had to slog through the hell of unemployment and job search--no cheating--perhaps it would make them less judgmental of Americans who would love nothing more than to go to work.

2. Try to use Medicaid.

Here's another task that is nearly impossible. First, the application. Which requires access to a computer and the Internet. Many folks who need Medicaid don't have these essentials. Assuming the process goes well, now comes the true challenge: Finding a physician and getting an appointment within the next decade.

This is not a slam against doctors. They are busy--overwhelmed--these days. Documentation, Electronic Medical Records, HIPAA. (You and I could be married, but if I am not on your "approved" list, I will not be able to get a smidgen of information about you and your condition.) Terrible reimbursement rates that take forever to be paid.

Most doctors are really good people. They went into medicine to help others. Their good intentions are lost in the quagmire of paperwork (now electronic work), regulations, and performance standards. They don't mind accepting Medicaid patients at all. It's just that doing so takes more time and paperwork...and only 61% of the Medicare reimbursement rate. So, Mr. Politician, go ahead and try to find a doctor that will take care of your heart condition, blood sugar, and lack of sexual performance. Ms. Politician, good luck finding a qualified gynecologist for your endometriosis. The wait for appointments is months. No string-pulling allowed.

3. Take your pick.

Trying to renegotiate your student loan at a lower rate? Does your child need specialized assistance at the public school? Are you trying to preserve a landmark? Keep a river clean? Get funding for a disability or disease? Train low-income workers for your new business?

Here, we give potential candidates an "elective." The only rule is that they have to choose something they are unfamiliar with. And then work like a maniac to get their cause 1) noticed, 2) acknowledged, and 3) funded or legislated. Easy, peasy, right?

No matter what candidates say during their campaigns, they fail to provide. I have a congressman who, while on the campaign trail, loved to talk about how he and his wife relied on food stamps when they were struggling young-marrieds. Then, after being elected, proceeded to vote against any kind of relief for the less fortunate in his district. Maybe if he--and all the others--had been forced to navigate the bureaucracy that everyday people encounter, he--and all the others--might gain some insights.

If Katy's idea took hold, at least we'd know that people seeking public office had acquired some common knowledge. We could point to their "Common Good" certificate hanging on their wall and remind them that they were elected to represent all their constituents. All. Of. Them.

Nov 6, 2014 3:56:00 AM | Current Affairs, Thursday Three

10/30/2014

Three Halloween "Bygones" That I Miss

When did Halloween get to be a Major Holiday? Who decided to stretch it out over a week?? One day--for a mere two hours--in the neighborhood. Another day at the mall. Still another at the grocery store, going from department to department. (I can understand getting a cookie from the Bakery and an apple from Produce...but what do the Meat folks hand out? A pork chop? Do kids leave the store with a can of soup and a bar of soap, too?)

Over recent years, I've continued to be astonished at the marketing--and subsequent buying--of all things Halloween. Huge Halloween stores open when school starts. Yard displays that rival Christmas. Socks and underwear. Hand towels in the bathroom, for pete's sake.

Hand-embroidered linen hand towels. Only $54 for six! You've got yours hanging up, right?

Halloween is so big now, they had to add two more colors; besides the classic orange and black, purple and green are part of the decor.

Which brings me to my topic for today: the Halloweens of my childhood. Like many people, I think some of the simple holiday practices of the past are better. Hands down, "our" Halloweens were so much more fun:

1. Costumes were home-made. Nobody wore those flimsy tie-in-the-back costumes from the store. They were basically coveralls, with something printed on the front to let people know what you were supposed to be: Superman, Minnie Mouse, a skeleton. They came with a full-face mask to complete the disguise. Plus, everything went over your regular clothes. So lame.

We just sort of put together outfits for the day. Hobo, gypsy, witch, ghost. Perhaps a scarecrow--a variation of the hobo, with some straw tucked in here and there. If we had access to some professional gear, there was the exciting possiblity of using scrubs and a stethescope, as modeled by my son, Andy. Or a hat and badge. Almost always a mask, but makeup was okay, too, if it wasn't too fancy. Sometimes our moms would stitch up a costume. But overall, it was a casual affair.

2. Trick-or-treating was unrestricted. We began the minute we got home from school; on Halloween weekends, in mid-afternoon. With big paper bags, off we went, limited only by curfew and strategy. Up and down blocks, door to door. The goal was simply to get as much candy as possible. To hell with the dentist. Some masterminds were able to fill a bag, and make a second run in a different neighborhood. Word spread like wildfire when a house was giving out full-sized candy bars. We could never quite decide if getting money--a nickel or dime--was a good thing.

Once we got back home, sorting the haul was part of the drama. How many candy bars? Anything worth hiding? Why were there so many suckers? And who thought a homemade popcorn ball was a good idea? It was pure kid fun. Even if parents insisted on rationing, we had successfully scored a big bowlful of sugar. That was enough.

3. Adults didn't intrude. Hard to believe, but "back in my day" the adults stayed out of the way. They stood at the door and handed out treats. Moms took the toddlers out, usually before the older kids got home from school, but the mothers didn't wear a costume. Neither did the dog. Houses weren't decorated with lights, cob webs, graveyards, mist makers, and blow-up grim reapers. Pumpkin carving resulted in pretty much the same jack-o-lantern faces every year. Hacked out at the kitchen table with a paring knife.

Halloween was fun because it was the one day to be greedy. For a few hours, you could plop on a mask and roam freely with your friends, gathering as much loot as you could carry. Parents stayed home, so you could race as far as time allowed.

I understand the concern for safety these days, so don't write me about that. I'm saying that hauling kids to the mall so they can go from store to store does not equal my exhilirating Halloween experience. Where I live, people drive cars to a parking lot, and kids have the underwhelming thrill of walking from car to car. It's called "trunk-or-treating." Really.

Call me the Grinch of Halloween. I've already got the outfit scoped out--only $119.

Who wants to join me?

Oct 30, 2014 4:10:00 AM | Family, Thursday Three

08/14/2014

Three Gifts Men Should Never Give To A Woman

Men: Listen up! I am here to help you impress the woman in your life; add zip to your relationship; and show her that you really do pay attention to what she likes.

You're wondering why I am writing this in August. Because there is always an anniversary or birthday to shop for, and it's never too early to think about the holidays. With this in mind, here are three gifts you should never give to a woman.

1. Fake gems. Think Cubic Zirconia here. Or any other sparkly-glass that you are hoping to pass off as the real thing. Yes, I know that the diamond market is rigged and that the values are false. And I know how much a real gemstone costs. I also know the claim that the imposters look as good as the real thing. But...they aren't. It's more than a little dishonest--and insulting--to trick the woman you love.

2. Utensils and appliances. This is very dark territory, and if you value your relationship--and possibly your life--you won't ever let the thought of anything that could be interpreted as "this will make your chores easier" cross your mind. To drive this point home, let me give an example from a past marriage. Christmas morning, 1975: a ketchup pump. I can still vividly remember the moment of staring at it, wondering who in his right mind would think this was a good idea. Let's just say it wasn't a "merry" day. (Years later, I told this story to a man I was dating. He thought it was so humorous, that he went out and got me a ketchup pump as a gag gift. It was not funny then, either.) Another time, the same former husband got me a calculator for Mother's Day. No need to elaborate. You get the idea.

3. ANYTHING that has to do with self-improvement. Sure, she's been depressed about gaining weight. Yes, she has hinted that she might to try Botox. Do not--repeat, do not!--decide to surprise her with a membership to Weight Watchers, the latest exercise video, or a gift certificate to a plastic surgeon. Doing so says that you agree...she could use a little help. Even if she asks outright, treat this the same way as the ketchup pump: The money comes from some other fund. I'm pretty sure that most women have had the awkward experience of opening a gift to find something that, while well-intended, feels a little hurtful. ("Gosh. A new digital bathroom scale. Can't wait to try it...") We females tend to dwell on our imperfections. What we're wanting is our man to focus on the good bits.

In the same vein, guys, try to avoid the "practical" stuff. Flannel robes, sweat pants, baggy pajamas--anything that suggests that she doesn't really need to bother to glam up anymore. That sends a message, too. She's not the Victoria's Secret type? Tuck your fantasies away. If that's the case, a gift from VS would be another kind of ouch. Just think it through, and match her style, only upgraded. Repeat: upgraded. Because she would never spend that amount on herself. But you are telling her she is sooooooooo worth it.

Feeling more confident now? Ready to dazzle the woman who makes you glad to be alive? Let her know that you are glad she chose you? (Because she did...)

You're welcome!